Viva Voce. Over and Out…

July 14, 2009

Well, I survived the viva. It went quite well really. This sounds as though I took it all in my stride. It is a tone I have been practicing. Because, actually, I spent several days in a state of heightened anxiety. When I walked into that room I could hardly breathe from fear and when I walked out two hours later, my chest felt it would explode with relief and I just couldn’t stop smiling.

Is it an avacado?

Is it an avacado?

Relief, joy, excitement. I felt all of these. But still I don’t feel proud of myself. Still I have this underlying sense of having “got away with it”, fluked it again. Why can’t I feel proud of my achievements? Why do I let myself come out of each battle feeling more bruised than I went in even though I know that I should be proud of myself because of the battle, not in spite of it. I just wish I could feel a sense of achievement from the success itself, rather than from this feeling that I have managed to keep my inadequacies hidden from view.

I think it might be a beanstalk...Who knows what's at the top?

I think it might be a beanstalk...Who knows what's at the top?

But I’m working on it, I really am. I may be slightly unkempt and occasionally dramatic in my presentation but I can live with that. Onwards and upwards. I have ADHD. I am doing a PhD. One year down, two to go.

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One Response to “Viva Voce. Over and Out…”

  1. Karita said

    I just wish I could a sense of achievement from the success itself, rather than from this feeling that I have successfully kept my inadequacies hidden from view.

    Oh yeah. I know this feeling. I recently got accepted onto an MA course, and all I could think was, “Wow, fluked it again!”

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