July 20, 2009

I am struggling. Admitting this is a big deal for me. The hope I felt after the diagnosis was like an incoming tide promising to cleanse and renew. Instead it has receded and left behind it a god-awful mess of debris. Plastic bottles, driftwood and somebody’s irresponsibly discarded sanitary protection. Nice. And usually I would try to pick up the pieces, alone and shameful. But I don’t want to live that way anymore.

I have so much to do. I have lists and lists of things that are not getting done. I feel so behind. I am working full-time for a few weeks to try to ease the financial pressure and in the evenings I am too tired to get my head around all the other things that need to be done. The weight of these undone chores, unwritten emails and unmet deadlines is so heavy that I feel I cannot keep walking. I’d love to be able to pause for a while, heave this backpack full of responsibility and pressure on to a low wall, and feel the lightness as the cartilage between my vertebrae expand, and circle my shoulders with exaggerated shrugs, pinching away with finger and thumb the tension in the tight ropes of tendon above my collar bones.  If I could do that then perhaps I could avoid sitting down in the middle of the street and crying. Because that’s what I feel like doing.

Largely this is because I genuinely have too much to do. But partly it is because I have lost the repeat prescription that I was given and so I can’t get anymore meds. So I am trying to make these last, allowing myself a 36mg or an 18mg depending on how fucked I feel the degree of concentration required of me that day. There is something vaguely ironic about giving me a prescription that I need to keep safe for a whole month and then be able to produce at the required time in order to obtain more medication FOR MY ATTENTION DEFICIT. You know? The one that MAKES ME LOSE EVERYTHING! Ahem. So being undermedicated doesn’t help.

Can you spot said dwindling medication stash in this picture of my cat sneering contemptuously at my attempts to keep her off the clean washing?


I is in ur laundry, sniffin ur pants. lolz

Well that’s cheered me up a little. When J sees this cat-fur-meets-clean-pants palava he’ll hit the roof. And yes, my darling, I did put a picture of your pants on the internet.


2 Responses to “Struggling…”

  1. Karita said

    I know this feeling. The feeling of drowning under paperwork, emails and deadlines. I have that feeling right now. I have so much to do that I haven’t got the faintest idea of where to start! At the beginning, in the wise words of my husband. Harumph!

    Small steps. You’ll be OK. Can’t you get another prescription?

  2. ellisinwonderland said

    Hi and thanks. I suppose I can get another prescription but I am away from my drs for the uni vacation and don’t know when I can get back up there. Not sure whether to register with a surgery down here temporarily in the hope that I can get another prescription….

    Small steps is good advice – hope you start to feel more on top of things soon too -it’s tough but it seems to go in stages and some days are always better than others.

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