Not crazy, just tired…

February 24, 2012

Something odd happened this morning, Internet.

I woke up with a familar fuzzy-headedness that could well have been the fault of the wine consumed last night with a certain shiny friend of mine (Hi, Shiny!). But I don’t think so. You see, as I went about my morning routine I became aware that I was thinking in rhyme. You know when you do a little mental commentary of your actions and talk to yourself in the second person? It mostly happens when you’re a bit drunk, like this:

‘Now the reason you’re feeling a little bit sick is more likely to be this bumpy bus-driver than the amount of heineken you have just consumed, so don’t beat yourself up because that won’t help with the nausea. The main thing to do is remember where you’ve put your keys so that you don’t have to look for them on the doorstep because a) that’s where the muggers hang out and b) you already need a wee and that’s only going to get worse.’

Etc Etc

I refuse to believe that this is not a universally experienced symptom of intoxication. Sometimes I even nod to myself in agreement. I’m doing it now.

Anyway, this morning a similar thing happened but my brain must have slept on itself funny and it woke up with a crick in its interior monologue synapse (or IMS as it’s known in the completely made up school of neurology in which I am valedictorian), and this resulted in a completely involuntary urge to rhyme my thoughts in the following manner:

‘Half a cup of coffee in a mug for me, cool enough to drink by the time I’ve had a wee’

‘Don’t give into pressure from hungry little cat, calorie reduction will prevent him getting fat’

‘Don’t get distracted, there’s just no time, it’s a little perturbing, this thinking in rhyme’

‘Today must be productive, a PhD bonanza, failure not an option, do-de-doo-de-do-rananza’

(When the spirit of improvisation failed me, I just made words up. It was a compulsion, I couldn’t help it)

Anyway, I have added this strange phenomenon to the list of side-effects that I am compiling in order to submit them to the company that makes ‘Sleep Well’ herbal sleep tablets. They have been reasonably effective in their improvement of my recent bout of insomnia, and in all fairness they do warn you not to consume alcohol with a dose, but still… I think it only fair that they include the following in the list of possible side-effects:

  • Compulsive Rhyming
  • Impulsive gherkin-eating
  • Repulsive night sweats
  • Propulsive vomiting

According to google, two of the above are possible symptoms of pregnancy, and two of them are possible symptoms of stress and anxiety. I am fairly sure that my total clusterfuck of a reproductive system makes the latter explanation far more likely than the former yet neither account for why I would wake up one morning to find I am thinking in rhyme. Answers on a postcard to:

‘Fuct int ‘ead’ PO BOX: At least I’m not Dead (yet).

Good morning, Internet.

It’s a chilly autumnal morning here in Wonderland. I have had an uncharacteristic (and entirely involuntary) early start to the day, having been woken up by the postman who delivered my Halloween costume. I forgot to take off my make-up last night and had been in a very deep sleep so the poor guy could be forgiven for his barely concealed surprise when his knock was answered by a creature for whom the donning of a scary Halloween costume could only represent an improvement. A creature who resembled this chap:

Anyway, I digress. After a shaky start, I am determined to remain on-topic today without hesitation, repetition or deviation. I need to talk to you about my decision to go back on the Ritalin before the rapidly loosening ball of wool that is my life unravels completely. I’m feeling completely incapable of getting things done and it’s always the PhD and my blood pressure that suffers most.

For example: I have so much to do today, and I am desperately trying not to panic. I am having people over to the flat tonight for a halloween gathering. Ideally, my itinary for the day would go something like this:

1) Blog about my ADHD meds (or lack thereof).
2) Despite lack of said meds, nevertheless, produce 3 or 4 hours of quality writing towards my PhD, thus sedating the little monster of PhD anxiety so that he has a good long nap.

3) Clean flat from top to bottom without breaking off at any point to explore the Internet or check that the dietary needs of chinchillas have not changed since the last time I conducted this research. Pay particular attention to the removal of cat fur from surfaces that guests are likely to want to sit on.

3.i) Decorate flat with cheap Halloween tat purchased from poundshop.

3.ii) Do so without sustaining injury from climbing on furniture.

3.iii) Dispose of all packaging and rubbish associated with cheap tat. Do not
leave on living room floor.

4) Go to Sainsburys and purchase food, alcohol and suitably proportioned pumpkin.

5) Carve pumpkin (may require sudden and spontaneous increase of artistic ability)

5.i) Do so without sustaining injury from big sharp knife.

5.ii) Should injury occur, at least have presence of mind to collect blood into
suitable container for incorpration into Halloween costume.

6) Shower, apply scary make-up to face, put on scary costume and wig.

7) Admit guests to flat without any indication of preparation hell. Probs attempt smile if poss but if not, pass lack of smile off as costume-appropriate expression.

8)  Drink Halloween punch until I pass out and care not that my flat enjoyed approx 1 hr of tidiness before being littered with the debris of celebration and intoxication, debris that I will inevitably be too hungover to dispose of.

Oh crap. How is that the time?? Despite the carefully delineated 8 point plan above, I am going to have to jettison Step 1 and postpone my post on ADHD meds. Again. FFS.

Systems, systems…

October 24, 2011

Ok, recently I noticed that everybody has a system. My mum, for example, has systems that enable her to not lose her car keys and find them several days later in the toe of one of my dad’s boots.**

My ex, J, had lots of systems.  These were incredibly intricately devised, compulsively maintained and … electronic. Therefore, I have not EVER seen any proof of the existence of these systems. I just believe in them because he said they existed (in fairness, the evidence speaks for itself. Before we split up and he moved out last October, their was a force of order and calm within the flat. Since then, there has been a rapid entropic slide towards the chaos which reigns currently.).

I don’t know where people get their systems from. I don’t know how they identify where a particular system might be adopted, and then proceed with adoption of said system, and then suddenly become organised and tidy and stop losing things. I just don’t get it.  It’s not so much that people manage to devise these systems themselves (although that is indeed a thing of wonder), but it’s a) that they STICK to the systems and 2)  (and this one is just mindblowingly incomprehensible to your average ADHD-er) They seem to do it without any fuss: nobody has to suggest it, there isn’t some big plan drawn up, the implementation of which somehow never seems to happen. Amazing.

So.  I have decided to get me some systems. Obviously I’m going to be realistic about this and start small.  If I manage to both implement and maintain the following small changes to my routines then I reckon in about a months time I can add some more.

1) Aim: Keep the keys to my flat hanging up on back of the door.

Objective: No more lost keys.

2) Aim: Post-it on the front door to remind me to unplug hair straighteners.

Objective: To get through a whole day at work without the  ‘Oh Shitting Fuck, have I left the straighteners on?’ panic.

3) Aim: Ditto Oven

Objective: Ditto Oven.

4) Aim: Before going to bed, check phone for unanswered texts or facebook messages from friends and family.

Objective: Not to be a shit friend/daughter/sibling any more. Or at least a little less shit.

Anyway, these may seem like tiny things but if successful in my mission to implements these checks, it will make my life a little less stressful. I figure there are some things that are unavoidably stressful. Keys, straighteners, ovens and text messages just shouldn’t be.

I’ll let you know how I get on.  In the meantime, I found this piece of paper folded into my bra one morning fairly recently (yes, I’d slept in my clothes). i have no idea how it got there. I think I may eventually need a system to prevent this kind of thing from happening but so far, the only idea i can come up with is to give up the drink and I fear that neither myself, or the local pub are ready for this momentous change anytime soon.

**Unless this system is foiled by my dad in which case, yep you got it, keys in the boot. Hi, Mum!

Am in a very good mood this morning. There are several reasons for this but here are some of them:

1) I has warmth.

After the painful saga that was having a new boiler fitted back in May, I have been aware that that the heating still didn’t work (I know this because it has been switched on at the boiler ever since but no heat. Clearly, during the summer months, this was fine but I sort of knew it wasn’t quite right and the day would come when this situation would be entirely unsatisfactory), but I was unable to put myself through the stress of having possibly the most stupid and annoying man in the world back in my flat in order to fix it (if this sounds harsh, consider that it turned out that the expensive new boiler was unnecessary as problem persisted even after replacement. Also he put the thermostat on the wall upside down. Fail). Anyway, I was finally driven into action by the cats, all three of whom have been protesting against the cold by burrowing underneath the duvet while I sleep, tracing the letters SOS into the cat litter, and googling the RSPCA helpline. After calling said annoying and stupid gas man, I had to sheepishly admit that no, I hadn’t actually checked the radiators were turned on. Turns out I may be the stupid one. However the main thing is that there is now a cat on the windowsill above every radiator and the flat is toasty.

2) Sobriety

I have been mostly sober for a week now. Mostly. Unless I’m actually drunk, I don’t count it as drinking. This might not seem like a big deal but it is. Not only am I warm this morning, but I am warm and I am not hungover. I can’t overstate the novelty of this. V proud of myself. I’m not going to go into this too much because I’ve wanted to write a post on alcohol and ADHD for a while now. But I drink too much. I know I do. I’m not sure if I have a drink problem as such but my drinking is problematic so I think this is something to which I ought to give some attention in the nearish future. For now, I’m adding ‘prevent slide into full-blown alcoholism’ to my list of things to sort out after I’ve submitted the thesis. Which brings me to….

3) Today is a PhD day

After three days at work, I have today and tomorrow to work on the PhD, and I am full of optimism. I am currently drafting the final chapter. I aim to finish it by the first week of November and then draft the conclusion by the third week of November at which point I will have a complete first draft. It’s a tight schedule but I am determined to do it. Really determined. Once I’ve finished writing this, I’m going to make a herbal tea, sit at my desk in my nice warm study and write until my eyes bleed and my fingers cramp up. No procrastinating, no panic, no stress. Just me and my PhD.

4) Tomorrow is Friday.

Tomorrow is Friday and so if all goes according to plan, I can totally legitimately enjoy a drink having safely banked another 2000 words into my PhD account. Wish me luck.

As an aside: It’s ADHD awareness week apparently. Excellent. I’m not entirely sure what this involves but I’m behind it 100%. Go check out the page here.

A bientot x