April 16, 2012

10 days ’till hand in

8 days ’till binders.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I started counting sheep. Little fluffy lambs jumping over a gate. I got to 640 which is, I think, the highest I’ve ever counted in one sitting. Achievements a-plenty here in Wonderland, I tell you. After 640 the sheep stopped jumping over a gate and began to mill about in that way sheep do until I couldn’t tell which ones I’d counted and which ones I hadn’t. I guess that’s why sheep have splodges of paint on them. Anyroad, there were a shit load of sheep in my head before I finally fell asleep.

It’s no wonder I can’t sleep. On the one hand I feel tired to my bones. Like that feeling you get when you’re sickening for something and your legs ache like bastards from walking up a flight of stairs. On the other hand I feel constantly like I’ve had about 15 cups of coffee.

I am currently wading through my proofreaders’ corrections and comments. Obviously it’s reassuring that they have picked up on them before the examiners scrutinise it all but when I re-read some of my 3am typos and sentences all mangled like a game of twister I wonder how I was ever allowed to enrol on a PhD in the first place.

An additional hindrance is that Audrey has taken to howling loudly (yes, howling, not meowing) unless I let her sit on a) my proofread chapters b) my laptop or c) my shoulders. However awkward it is to write with a cat on your shoulders, it’s less detrimental than the first two options.

So to bed…

November 14, 2011

It’s been one hell of a mixed up weekend. I would say more for therapeutic purposes but it’s late and I fear that if I start, it’ll all tumble out like when you try to pull one item of clothing at a time out of the washing machine but it all comes out in a big wet tangle of tights and jumper-arms tied round each other like string round cat guts (Ugh. That all went more unpleasant than I thought it would). And I have to be at work in the morning so no time for washing machines or cat guts right now.

Speaking of cats, here’s the one in my bed. Think I’ll go and join her. Goodnight, lovely Internet.

How to coat a clean bed sheet in fur and influence people

November 2, 2011

Bah ha ha ha.

Sometimes I like to amuse myself procrastinate by looking back at some of the search terms people used to find this blog. Some of them are funny, some are completely nonsensical and some of them are downright disturbing ( I am talking about YOU here, person who searched for ” the voices in my head are telling me to kill you “)

Anyway, I thought I’d share some of them with you because, clearly, I have nothing else I’m supposed to be doing (ahemm), and although I’m almost certain that you probably do have something better to do, you’re obviously procrastinating too because you’re here. So it’s a win-win situation for us both.

So without further ado, dear Internet, let me present to you….

The Fucked Up Search Terms Awards 2011

There are several awards I would like to make here. I have divided them in to categories. Because that also seemed like a good way to spend an afternoon. First up…

1. Nominees for most fucked up cat search…. (clearly it is the case that 99.9% of the Internet is about cats, or produced by cats. There are feckin hundreds of these but the shortlist is presented below)

how to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you

sneering cat

cat boxing

laughing cat

yoga cats

sneaky cats

cats in cups

marmite and cat

smug cat

clumsy cat

exhausted cat

no shit sherlock cat

cats in clothes

half naked cats

keyboard cat       (yay!!! If you’re not familiar with keyboard cat yet then go look – go on)

cats computer

cat exercise

devouring cat sex

my cat pants

strangling cat     (wtf? Srsly Internet, sort it out)

sex cats

fucky cats

And the winner is……Devouring Cat Sex!!!  This was a difficult decision but I found that the ambiguity appealed to me. Is the searcher looking for footage of cat sex which s/he can avidly devour? Or is s/he looking for cat sex in which the participants devour each other? No idea but it’s a winner.

Ok, next up….

2) Nominees for search terms that this blog Is Definitely NOT able to help you with:

de-cluttering chaos in your home     (ha ha ha, sorry anonymous searcher, can’t help you there)

adult adhd i am fucking lost somebody help

small flat tits    (move along, move along, nothing to see here *cough*)

thing to do inorder to forget scary things   (Who asks the Internet this? Really?)

chip van with two fit girls (wtf..this is very specific. A real shot in the dark that, surely?)

terminal procrastination   (Love this. Both the description itself and the irony inherent in the search itself)

my tea’s gone cold and i’m wondering why? (hahahahahhaha)

messy advice     (I can’t advise you on this. It just comes naturally. Unless you’re looking for a cure? lemme know when you find it)

reminders to bathe (erm…..)

And the winner is……… my tea’s gone cold and i’m wondering why?!!!! Well, it just had to be really, didn’t it?

…Finally, I want to make a Special Epic Search Term award to what has to be the longest search term ever, threatening to bring down the whole of the Internet under the weight of its effort to be SO VERY EXTREMELY THOROUGH:

” emotional flu blog ignoring your feelings pretending something hasn’t happened overeating excessive drinking of alcohol exercising compulsively any type of compulsive disorder always keeping busy so you don’t have the time to think about anything even closely related to ‘emotions’ keeping conversations superficial burying angry emotions or masking them blogspot ”

Yes, people, that is one search term. And although I can’t help this searcher, I would like to put my mirth aside for a second and say that actually, my heart breaks a little bit at the desperation enclosed within those speech marks. I am so sorry you feel that way. I hope you found some better advice than I can offer, somewhere in some dusty corner of google, and that things start to look up for you. If not, google “fucky cats” instead. Everyone else is. Apparently.

Am in a very good mood this morning. There are several reasons for this but here are some of them:

1) I has warmth.

After the painful saga that was having a new boiler fitted back in May, I have been aware that that the heating still didn’t work (I know this because it has been switched on at the boiler ever since but no heat. Clearly, during the summer months, this was fine but I sort of knew it wasn’t quite right and the day would come when this situation would be entirely unsatisfactory), but I was unable to put myself through the stress of having possibly the most stupid and annoying man in the world back in my flat in order to fix it (if this sounds harsh, consider that it turned out that the expensive new boiler was unnecessary as problem persisted even after replacement. Also he put the thermostat on the wall upside down. Fail). Anyway, I was finally driven into action by the cats, all three of whom have been protesting against the cold by burrowing underneath the duvet while I sleep, tracing the letters SOS into the cat litter, and googling the RSPCA helpline. After calling said annoying and stupid gas man, I had to sheepishly admit that no, I hadn’t actually checked the radiators were turned on. Turns out I may be the stupid one. However the main thing is that there is now a cat on the windowsill above every radiator and the flat is toasty.

2) Sobriety

I have been mostly sober for a week now. Mostly. Unless I’m actually drunk, I don’t count it as drinking. This might not seem like a big deal but it is. Not only am I warm this morning, but I am warm and I am not hungover. I can’t overstate the novelty of this. V proud of myself. I’m not going to go into this too much because I’ve wanted to write a post on alcohol and ADHD for a while now. But I drink too much. I know I do. I’m not sure if I have a drink problem as such but my drinking is problematic so I think this is something to which I ought to give some attention in the nearish future. For now, I’m adding ‘prevent slide into full-blown alcoholism’ to my list of things to sort out after I’ve submitted the thesis. Which brings me to….

3) Today is a PhD day

After three days at work, I have today and tomorrow to work on the PhD, and I am full of optimism. I am currently drafting the final chapter. I aim to finish it by the first week of November and then draft the conclusion by the third week of November at which point I will have a complete first draft. It’s a tight schedule but I am determined to do it. Really determined. Once I’ve finished writing this, I’m going to make a herbal tea, sit at my desk in my nice warm study and write until my eyes bleed and my fingers cramp up. No procrastinating, no panic, no stress. Just me and my PhD.

4) Tomorrow is Friday.

Tomorrow is Friday and so if all goes according to plan, I can totally legitimately enjoy a drink having safely banked another 2000 words into my PhD account. Wish me luck.

As an aside: It’s ADHD awareness week apparently. Excellent. I’m not entirely sure what this involves but I’m behind it 100%. Go check out the page here.

A bientot x

[…] to write a work of genius is almost always a feat of prodigious difficulty. Everything is against the likelihood that it will come from the writer’s mind whole and entire. Generally material circumstances are against it. Dogs will bark; people will interrupt; money must be made; health will break down. […] But for women, I thought, looking at the empty shelves, these difficulties were infinitely more formidable […][1]

And for a woman with ADHD….? Well, I don’t know about a work of genius. I’d just settle for getting this chapter of the PhD written and handed to my supervisor but here’s some things I’m going to add to the great VW’s list of distractions…

Facebook – Love it or hate it (personally, I bloody hate it) those email notifications make producing any completed work (even of distinctly dubious quality) fairly unlikely. Do you think that spending hours untagging yourself from dodgy photographic likenesses counts as extenuating circumstances?

Emails – Again, probably not something old ViWo had to contend with. Letters don’t count for her because they ended up being pored over by scholars and therefore contribute towards her already formidable corpus. Alright for some, eh?

Cats – Miaow when they want in, miaow when they want out. The warmest place to sit is the laptop keyboard except when you’re looking for that quote you can’t find, because then they’d much prefer to snooze on page 324-5.

Sharpening pencils – Or its modern day equivalent, devising a new electronic filing system for one’s pdfs.

Blackberry – Is the plural of Blackberry, still Blackberries? Even when we’re referring to the brand name? In any case, you wouldn’t catch Virginia in the drawing room IM-ing Leonard in his study  because she couldn’t be arsed to walk downstairs. No, she’d just send one of the staff. Unfortunately, my staff aren’t as compliant – they’re too busy miaowing outside the living room door and vomiting hairballs onto freshly laundered clothes.

Wikipedia – If my supervisor, advisor, or examiner is reading this then let me add the disclaimer that I do not ever resort to, will not ever resort to, and do not ever condone, usage of the people’s encyclopaedia of  everthingness. Nuh-uh. Not me. Still…all that restraint is bloody distracting, no?

Having A Room of One’s Own – A Room + Sole Possession (and therefore sole responsibility for domestic maintenance of said room) + ADHD + Impending Essay Deadline = Inevitable Temptation to Clean Vs Inevitable Conversion of Remaining Order to Total Chaos. This is known in ADHD circles as The Law of Terminal Procrastination. Guess Woolf never saw the potential irony of this one in her original thesis.

I will be adding to this list from time to time in the name of procrastination therapeutic discussion. What have I missed? Add your own entries in the comments…

[1] Woolf, V. (1929) 1998. A Room Of One’s Own and Three Guineas, New York: Oxford University Press, pp. 66-7.